I don’t love my husband. I settled for him because he was available and wanted me so badly. I was using him to heal my broken heart but he took things too seriously and by the time I realized, he was already talking about marriage.
When I met him, I was going through a broken heart. A guy I dated for three years was leaving me because of tribal differences. His parents said no and my parents also said no. We tried for a year, hoping they’ll say yes to us but they didn’t so we had to go our separate ways.
I was dying. I was crying every day. It was hard. And then my Adolf came along. I said to myself, “Fine, maybe he’ll help me heal.” So I said yes.
The healing didn’t come the way I expected. I was with him but I was still sleeping with my ex on the side. I was cheating on him but he was busy loving me as if I was the only star in his cloudy sky.
A year and a half later I was still not healed. He asked me to marry him and I said yes, hoping that would make me stop going back to my ex. We had a beautiful wedding and yes, I stopped going back to my ex but that didn’t make me love my husband the way he deserved to be loved. I was there, without emotions. Without connection. Just going with the flow of marriage.
I got pregnant a few months after marriage but I didn’t feel right to have his child so I got rid of it. He doesn’t know this. He would break into pieces if I tell him because all he talks about currently is a child. I feel pity for him. I want to leave the marriage but I know that would also break him to pieces. He’s a good person. He doesn’t deserve to stoop and pick up the pieces of himself because I broke him. It’s the reason I’m still here.
My ex killed my heart and it’s hard to love again. I’m trying but nothing happens. I see him going around happily and a piece of me dies. I’m a murderer for keeping him believing in what doesn’t exist. But I know one day I’ll come clean. Or I will not. Only the sun and the moon will decide. But if they decide I should stay, I won’t lose a thing and I won’t live with any regret because Adolf is a good man.
#l
